As human beings, we compulsively are looking for somewhere to belong. Someone so that we don’t have to be alone. Something that we don’t have to feel alone with. As a desire, there is nothing wrong with that implicitly.
But there are some who are so aware of those human desires for belonging, that they will find a way to exploit that.
As a horror writer, I’m sometimes asked, “What personally scares you?” And my answer is always the same: a human being that cannot be reasoned with. And cults are a natural extension of that. The idea of cults has existed ever since the idea of religion existed. Religion is not inherently evil. For most, it is a way to make sense out of a world that otherwise is abstract chaos. It’s a form of order and structure, even going as far to say that it’s a coping mechanism, helping ascribe meaning to something that could very well be meaningless.
But there are others that use religion as a form of control. We’ve seen it happen on larger scales. Whether it’s transparent like Westboro Baptist Church’s “kill the deviants” slogan, or even going as far as to affect legislation, despite the insistence on separations between church and state. On smaller scales, they fester into, at first, smaller groups spreading influence, usually in the service of humans with self-serving interests that have very little to actually do with God.
Columbus, Ohio has long been infected with the said parasite. Its name was Xenos.
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Do You Plead?
My experience with Xenos goes back to sophomore year in high school for me. I’ve long struggled with major depressive disorder. At the age of 15, my manic depression was already far more amplified than it is now.
In my Acting 2 class, I met two freshmen who, for the sake of confidentiality, will just be named S and A. Upon first meeting them, they both just seemed like genuinely cool people. We talked a lot about movies we liked, A and I actually shared the commonality of attending the same martial arts class. It seemed like a promising introduction to meeting two new people that genuinely liked me as a person.
One Friday, they asked if I wanted to hang out with them after school. I had never been offered that before, so naturally my answer was yes. They arrange to pick me up from my house sometime later in the evening, and drive me to one of their homes. You can understand my surprise when I find that there are actually several people there beyond just the three of us. Some are others from the same school, some from other high schools, some were even in college! I was a little taken aback that there were not only so many people there, but then some even started talking to me, and being really friendly too. Not only was it off-putting because no one had ever been nice like this upon first meeting me before, but something was kind of off. It all felt… Artificial in a way. Like, they were genuinely listening, but they weren’t exactly engaging in what I was having to say. It’s like they were being fed information more than connecting to another human.
Midway through the evening, everyone is called into a very sterile-looking basement, and everybody sits down lined up around the perimeter of the wall. I was completely left in the dark about what exactly was going on. But it didn’t take long before people were pulling out notebooks and passing bibles out to everyone in the room…
Bibles. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. No. No. No.
Before I know it, one person is holding court in the middle proselytizing about Jonah and the Whale while everyone around me is in complete submission watching him and only him in between scribbling notes down. My eyes scan the entire room as this hive mind is being fed information from its queen ant. When I wasn’t doing that, I kept my attention on the bible pages pretending to read them.
Once it was over, I moved with the crowd to leave the basement, but in reality, I was wanting to be the first to bolt out just so I could breathe again. When I talked to A later, I told her that I was surprised that this was what their “hangouts” were. She reassured me that it gets easier the more that you do it. I wasn’t really sure what that meant at the time. All I knew in that moment was that I felt betrayed that the night wasn’t just three friends hanging out. I was reassured that the bible study part was not the main focus, and that it was really more about the sense of community.
And because I was desperate, I, like many others like me, believed them…
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No Exit
I would continue to go off and on for the next year or so. As it progressed, I would constantly get asked if I was going to join their “community.” Every answer to that question was met with the same response from me: “No, because I’m still an agnostic.” What would follow was a lot of tension, not even just from S and A, but several other mutual friends of ours.
By the time I was well into my junior year, my depression had progressed much worse. Tensions with my family were increasing, and I was alienating friends who were becoming annoyed with my behavior, almost like they were collectively saying to each other, “Don’t talk to that guy. He’ll just bum you out.” The only ones who took time to listen were either S or A, but every time I would vent, the only recourse they had was to say a prayer for me.
Naturally, I was offended at this response because it felt like an unwillingness to listen. One day, I can’t remember exactly the reasons preceding it, but A took me aside to listen to what I had to say once again. Once the prompt for prayer was brought up, I just lashed out, telling her that I don’t believe that there is a God and that prayer does nothing for me. That I just needed help, honest human help. Not some abstract being that, in my opinion, is kind of an asshole. Of course, this upset A, and by extension, all of our mutuals began ignoring me even further, Xenos or not.
One weekend, A invited me to another one of their home church meetings. At this point, I just needed something. The build up was all the same: all too-friendly luncheon before everyone drones downstairs with bibles in tow. But nothing could’ve prepared me for what happened next…
The one leading the discussion went around the room asking people what hardships they were facing and how their reaffirmation in the Lord was helping them get through them. But suddenly, I was volunteered without my permission. Apparently, someone was told about the difficulties that I was living with, and was asked to be open about my feelings. I felt angry and betrayed, but I knew I had to stay tempered. I flatly told them that I was going through a hard time, but I wasn’t sure if God was really the answer for me. They seemed to understand and moved on, but it was still enough to feel the air in the room change around me.
–
Around Every Corner
By the time my senior year rolled around, I had had other positive relationships outside of Xenos members. But almost as soon as the year began, my mental state spiraled further by multiple different circumstances, none the least of which going through a particularly bad break-up with my then-girlfriend. I was looking for any number of outlets to cope with, but nothing helped. She and I shared so many mutuals, and we even shared one class together, that it felt really messy. In retrospect though, I was definitely the asshole in that situation and it ended up being best that we parted ways.
Once again, I was desperate and was afraid of being alone. And when I was alone, I would overthink, and not in positive ways. It’s the kind of over-thinking that made me float the idea of suicide. And where often do depressed people turn to when they’re desperate: either substance abuse or religion. I had the trauma of having a father with substance abuse issues, but Xenos had also made me feel even more alienated from religion. I felt truly adrift.
In this time period, I had grown particularly close to another classmate, who will be named H. It seemed like a no-brainer that we clicked, we had a lot of the same interests and we were both genuinely bonding and listening to each other. But sometime soon after, she started drifting apart, and it didn’t take long to line the reason up: she and A had become particularly close friends, and it wasn’t long after that H started turning herself over to God to cope with her traumas.
For a time, I was truly alone. I felt abandoned by everyone, and it felt in no small part to the fact that this church just continued to grow and infest itself into almost every facet of the environment around me. Hardly anyone wanted to talk to me, and if anyone ever did ask what was wrong, I would get hit with anything from “Just get over it and get your shit together” to “Well, God loves you and wouldn’t want you to burn.” My grades suffered, my father had a strong relapse into his addictions, and I strongly considered taking my own life. It felt like every time I would find something good, this fucking cult would just turn it against me.
Luckily, I was able to edge out at the end of the year with the few positive influences I had, even if they were on a superficial level, especially because at that time none of those people seemed interested in having me as a friend. But I still graduated, and I breathed a little easier feeling like I could start anew with Xenos anywhere in my peripheral.
I wish I could tell you this was the end of my story…
–
Never Let You Go
Once I was out of high school, I had a few friends I was still talking to, but it was clear that even that was drifting. I remember attending a few grad parties where S, A, and H were all in attendance, but I wanted to interact very little with them. I left myself lamenting the friendship that could’ve been or even couldn’t have been with the church’s influence. I had to let those thoughts flee, and be okay starting at square one again.
That fall, I started working at a Bob Evans in between doing a community theater gig (the same theater production where I would meet my future wife). While working at Bob’s, I hit a rapport with one of the waitresses, who I’ll name C. Our conversations at work seemed to go pretty well, especially considering that I was the only film nerd who worked there. One night, she asked if I wanted to hang out after work. I wasn’t in college yet, so I had much more free time on my hands when I wasn’t doing theater.
The first time she picked me up from my house, I was taken a little aback that she had two other girls in the car with her, and they were wanting to get to know me. Like… Really get to know me. Once again, my person was being put on the spot. That didn’t stop once we reached the house, which was sprawling with people. I started sensing very familiar vibes to the gatherings I attended in high school. There were maybe one or two people that I seemed to have genuine conversations with, although in retrospect, I’m not so sure.
The second time she picked me up, my fears were confirmed: she brought us to one of the Xenos headquarters buildings. I felt like I was suffocating under my winter coat as everyone crammed into their presentation rooms, platform dead center above the crowd. Here I was listening to the same slanted religious rhetoric again, and the night felt to drift on forever. Once it was finally done, I was given a free book from their bookstore. I think I recall the title as something like Discovering God, which was being used as an alleged factual document that God scientifically exists.
That book made a good primer for my dad’s charcoal grill…
Afterwards, C drove me and her friends to one of the home churches. At that same home church was the pastor who had been giving the sermon I had just sat through, Conrad Hilario. His presence alone cast an unnerving feeling on the remainder of the night.
This was where I started to really see the inner workings of how they operated. The house was crammed full of people, multiple people to bedrooms, ensuring no privacy whatsoever. I remember the thing that horrified me the most was that there were so many children living among them too. The reality of it all overwhelmed me. I couldn’t possibly understand how this environment could be healthy for anyone to grow in.
This was where I started to get really scared. After all, how far does this following expand? How deep does this rabbit hole go? These people knew where I lived! They worked the same place I worked! How could I possibly feel safe among these dwellers who claim to serve the light?
Beyond The Dark
Despite the fact that at this point I had found some comrade with the community theater I was doing at the time, I was still constantly yearning for more human connection. I had felt betrayed by C for not telling me what us “hanging out” was going to be. But I was still desperate enough to give her one more chance.
In retrospect, this was the moment I should’ve understood how cults grow and spread…
The last time she picked me up from my house, she and her overly friendly compatriots took me to this big house somewhere near the fairgrounds, I think. On the way, I made it clear to one of them that I’m still pretty dead set that I’m an atheist (technically agnostic at that point, but that would’ve unlocked a worse response). One of them then said, “Well, I hope that you end up finding your way to God. We could help you do that.” That answer was a clear enough indication on how these people think.
Wherever it was, it was practically a mansion, and my guard was up immediately upon entering. I was left waiting in this massive dining room with windows surrounding all sides, with the only things visible were the trees and some street lamps among the dark abyss. I tried remaining polite, but deep down, my heart was pounding. I was nearly hyperventilating. Any food or drink that was offered I refused because I watch horror movies and I know what could happen.
I sauntered my way out of the room, trying to find the nearest exit. I felt like Jake Gyllenhaal in Charles Fleischer’s basement near the end of Zodiac. Anybody I passed by would flash a smile or a wave, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to explode. It was like a knife that wouldn’t let go.
I never did know if anything did or not. I snuck out the front door, and walked away. I walked and walked no matter how exhausted I was. Eventually, I reached Studio 35 Cinema and Drafthouse, watched a movie to take my mind off of everything, and phoned my mom to pick me up.
They Dwell…
Once I quit my job, I never spoke to C or anyone connected to her again. I distanced myself as far as I could from anyone or anything that could be connected to the church/cult.
As the years passed, other friends of mine started coming forward with their stories. Just from listening to them, it was very evident that the experiences that I had were relatively mild compared to those who lived through the thick of it. Stories of how much the church and its members just abused them and broke them down, robbing them of any sense of agency or identity. Other people who, like me, suffered from depression or any other mental illness and was looking for answers any way they could.
But God forbid that one should try to focus on their mental health or schooling or families before their practices in God and prayer. The moment that these individuals tried to advocate for themselves and tell their leaders how much they’re struggling and need help, the church cast them out if what they needed didn’t serve the church’s interests.
Xenos broke them down and then abandoned them when they were no longer useful for them. Some were left broke and homeless. Some dropped out of school. Some needed to be checked into mental facilities. My heart broke seeing that this had happened to people I cared deeply about.
A website was launched called “Xenos is a Cult“. The site honestly illustrates everything that the cult does in a much neater way than I ever could, told firsthand by former members and victims. The destruction of individuality and family connections. The “love-bombing”, defacement of character, gas-lighting, arranged relationships and marriages, the isolation if you dissent, etc. It’s all detailed there. There are multiple firsthand accounts of abuse, emotional and sexual, from ex-members, friends, and parents.
Not long after the website launched, Xenos rebranded itself as “Dwell.” Their rationale is that the new name better reflects the mission statement of the church.
Ironically, they made their mission all that much more transparent…
About a week ago, an ex-member came forward about her own experiences to the local news (which can be found here…). In light of this, many of my friends came forward on social media to open the floodgates of their own experiences, exposing the Dwellers into the light for what they truly are.
It is in the nature of a cult to dwell among us. The itch under own skin that won’t stop itching. And before you know it, that urge to scratch the itch will make you bleed. The question it comes down to is if you will bleed for them, or yourself.
How will you choose to plead? As a human?
…Or as one of the ants?
Mr. HyperAware 